Isolation versus Intimacy: thoughts on porn and liberation.

"Truth is, p0rn liberated men much the same way The Pill liberated women. Men are no longer obligated to lifetime economic contracts merely to tend to unavoidable bodily functions. Men are free to pursue their dreams, untroubled by any mental torments of s3xual starvation, even in the most-isolated female-free environments. Being compelled to think about s3x constantly is a torture (as anyone who’s lived with man-sized testosterone levels can tell you), but p0rn liberates men from that, and we will Never Look Back!"

So says "Pat," commenting on a blog post about a marriage strained by the husband's use of pornography. It's a rather provocative statement. And in fact, it says quite a lot about the mindset of pornography use and highlights that at its core 

pornography operates out of isolation and opposes intimacy.

From Pat's perspective, male sexuality is a combination of "mental torture" and "unavoidable bodily functions." It has no interpersonal function; it is completely void of intimacy. 

It makes sense then that marriage has no place in Pat's world. For Pat, marriage is a "lifetime economic contract" that some men would put up with for sex, but really, it's just a barrier for men pursuing their dreams. Intimacy is an obstacle to the highest form of living.

And women? Women are useful, probably more pleasing than pornography, but their inaccessibility is a serious impediment to their usefulness. Being able to orgasm without a woman by using pornography liberates men from needing women as accessories for releasing their sexual desires.

By rejecting interpersonal connection, commitment, and women-as-partners, Pat and other pornography users are rejecting intimacy. 

I know a long list of people who view religious sexual mores as oppressive restrictions which suffocate sexuality and personal freedom. But

the godly sex life in the Bible is a good sex life.

>>

It takes place within a marriage commitment so it can be safe physically and emotionally. That commitment is an exclusive covenant between two people because marriage was designed to be the pinnacle of intimacy. The Bible says marriage makes two people "one flesh" because that's how closely their lives and their psyches were meant to be intertwined.

That exclusive, lifetime commitment is in place because it creates a safe environment for deep interpersonal connection. In this setting, intercourse is not undertaken just to take care of "unavoidable bodily functions," but to give and receive from one's very personhood in vulnerability and service.

In biblical sexuality, women are not creatures of use, but as sexual partners they are partners in life and in pleasure. "May you rejoice in the wife of your youth... may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love." [see prov5.15-23] And men are not uncontrollable sex machines who really can't be held accountable for their bodies or their behavior. No, according to the Bible men were created with dignity and they possess moral responsibility and an incredible capacity to shape the world for good through the exercise of righteousness in their homes--- including their bedrooms.

I hope one day Pat will choose intimacy over isolation. Because

it's a shame to lose your best sex life for a convenient sex life.

What to Wear When Riding a Stuffed Giraffe: Suit Jacket or No?

Confession time: I'm afraid to become a professional pastor.

Not that I'm afraid of full-time ministry.

Not that I'm afraid of getting paid for it.

Not that I'm afraid to devote my life to it.

Just that I'm afraid of becoming a professional, an image, a brand. 

I don't want to drive a car that says "PASTOR" on the license plate. And I don't want my email address to be PastorKessiaReyne@knee-mail.net. And I don't want to be a ministry idea machine with a weekly newsletter. And I don't want my blogs to become a series of polished press releases. And I don't want to become an Adventist celebrity. I don't want to be anything else except 

 a person 

 following Jesus 

 in the world. 

I've come to realize that my discipling (formal and informal pastoring) has its source in my experience with Jesus. 

>>My experience

with Jesus

means that I'm not enough and never will be. Without Him, I'm a cistern, a broken cistern, and I have no water for the spiritually thirsty. But also

>>

My experience

with Jesus means that my discipling comes through my personality, it is informed by my life, it is made up of the data of my senses, it is woven into my character, it comes out in my language. 

So when I counsel and pray and explain and defend and preach and confront and write and persuade and question: it's

me

doing it, not some Internet personality with a suit jacket on. Ask me about theodicy and I'll tell you a story. Offer me the pulpit and I'll preach to each person as intimately as possible. Give me your hurts and I'll be silent for a long time; like, an awkward amount of time. Invite me to dinner and I'll come with eyeliner on (not bells, for the record). Because that, my homies, is how I roll. 

*[I think this has to do with my fear of losing my identity in other people's expectations. Jeans at church. Eyeshadow. Feminist poetry. Post-hardcore praise. (Is that what makes me, me?) (What does it mean to be authentic?)]

** [It probably doesn't sound like it, but the intention of this post is not to judge "professional" ministers. These musings are just the outgrowth of my own reflection on how and why my personal style of ministry looks different from many other people's style. God uses those "professional" pastors in ways that are powerful and that, honestly, I don't even aspire to.]

Somewhere Between Two Steps

It was somewhere between
  the time that his left foot pushed off the lower step
  and his right foot landed on the next step
that she came around the corner
 and she caught sight of him.

It was raining           
 and they were both running.

He was running up the stairs toward shelter
  and she was running after him.
They had been chasing each other
  for the last five months—
he walking her home,
she buying him a favorite book,
she holding the look an extra moment,
he holding an embrace a little too long,
  and both of them afraid of all this.

She was still going to marry another man in March
  and when she saw
this 
man in mid-air between two stairs
she suddenly saw herself as she had been
these five months: running for shelter.
And she saw herself as she was now:
  somewhere between two steps.

And before he returned to earth,
his right foot hitting the concrete,
  she had stopped running to watch him leave her.
When he was out of sight, she turned and ran for home.

Counting my shirts

A few weeks ago I re-read the Gospels. Obviously there is a lot of richness in those four books on Jesus' life, but what forcefully struck me was just one passage:

"John said to the crowds coming out to be baptized by him, 'You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves, "We have Abraham as our father." For I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.'

'What should we do then?' the crowd asked.

John answered, 'Anyone who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has food should do the same.'” [luke3.7-11] 

How many shirts do I have? Well, I haven't counted, but it's more than two. And how many jackets and coats do I have? More than two. That means I have enough to spare.

I finally heard what the Bible had been saying all this time, what John had been preaching for two millennia--- and Jesus convicted me to radically change the way that I spend money on clothing.

(Now that I'm willing to simply hear Jesus speak this message, I hope I'm enabled to better receive the Jesus of the Message.)