The Agony of Autumn Shades

The hues admired by passing eyes
which here adorn each branch and limb
so impress the passers-by,
yet are birthed from pain within. 

Men stroll in autumn's changing air
and revel in the fiery trees;
they think of God painting fair
these tinted bronze and golden leaves. 

But human minds could never guess
the agony of autumn shades
called forth at the divine behest
which turn the forests into graves. 

Each colored leaf on outstretched hand
is dying slow, a death most bright.
And gently falling to the land
they move toward graves of frozen night.

This mighty maple longs for June
when plenteous stars it green unfurled
to shine in verdant green at noon--!
but now stand flushed and dry and curled.

The God in heaven has seen me proud.
What strength I had I thought was mine,
but was in truth by heav'n endowed
and now in fact by heav'n resigned.

He brings me death. My weakness bared
is no triumph against Him, trying.
Yet as the passers-by declare,
my greatest glory is in dying.

He's Been Answering

Perhaps it's because of my prayers asking for such a thing, or perhaps it's just because my God is a holy Pursuer, but lately the LORD has been trying to change me from the inside out. Usually when I pray for God to change me, I'm unconsciously asking for Him to do it painlessly, quickly, thoroughly, and--please--in a way that does not inconvenience me. So when this change hurts I want to reject it. When this change requires something of me, I'm ready to give up and go distract myself with nonsense.


I've asked that God would help me to set aside my pride and vanity. But when He invites to forego my rituals and expenditures on vanity of appearance, I balk. I'm not ready to face the world with my bad skin and my flat hair. Do I need concealer and a blow dryer to be a person?


I've asked that God would help me to make the most of my life, to do and to be with excellence, to love what is good and become more like Him. But when He points out that I'm wasting my life with TV, I want to argue about the quality of programming or start comparing myself to others that I judge are worse off than I am. Do I think that I can hang on to Christ and to the world at the same time? I wish I could, and yet I wish I could sing sincerely that old hymn, "Take the world, but give me Jesus...."


I've asked that God would direct me into the future that He desires for me, that He would put me where I'm supposed to be-- yet I've asked Him to choose from my multiple choice list, and I've been keen to point out my top choices. But if God asks me to consider a future in option "E: None of the Above," I get to feeling a little anxious. Can I really be more than titles and positions, be more than my job or my degrees?


I know He works in many ways (many of them mysterious) and on many levels with many people. With me right now regarding this, He has pointed out sin in my life and asked me to choose Him instead. But it's uncomfortable. Sometimes it hurts. It means the putting to death of my self... with a sometimes weak faith that He'll resurrect me in His own image.


What I want to be is surrendered to God. What I want to do is to love Him with everything I've got. What I'm finding is that it's surprisingly difficult to say YES and "Amen" as He answers my own prayers.

Self-Pity and Christ's Heavenly Ministry

In the car driving home. Back ache. Raining, yet sun in my eyes. Tiredness.
My heart is hurting. I feel confused and helpless and just as I'm giving in to the darkly satisfying sense of self-pity, the words of the song playing through my speakers come through.


Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea, 
A great high priest whose name is Love,
who ever lives and pleads for me...


And I realize that self-pity is stupid. I have a Savior who loves me, watches over me, pleads His blood before the Father on my behalf, blesses me a thousand times over, is preparing a place for me beside Him in eternity. My petty problems are nothing to cry over.


Alleluia! Alleluia!
Praise the one risen Son of God!

Who is this person?

ENFJs weave and strengthen the collective fabric of social conventions and interactions. Inclusiveness is important and they are particularly sensitive to those who are excluded. They focus on others, feeling a glow when those around them are happy, and troubled when something is amiss. They are natural cheerleaders, often expressing support, gratitude, and encouragement, and heaping praise onto those they appreciate. They take note of what is being done and what needs doing, offering their assistance wherever necessary. ENFJs enjoy organising group activities and tend to take their commitments seriously. In general, they are reliable and do not like to disappoint others. As team players and project leaders, they have a gift for rallying their players, focusing on what is being done right and each member's strengths. They are loyal and they expect loyalty. They carry conversations well, finding common ground with their speaker. They tend to find the correct and gracious way to respond in any given situation, no matter how tense or uncomfortable it is.


I am absolutely stunned by these results, not because it doesn't fairly describe me as I am now, but because this is an amazingly different person than Previous Me -- fiercely independent, aloof, unable to empathize, quick to criticize, unskilled at encouragement, anti-team everything. Dear GOD, what happened to me?? 


You.


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